If You’re Still Searching for Mr./Mrs. Right

30 May


Here is a picture of my husband and I six years ago when we first met in the summer.  A little background…we knew OF each other for over a year, but never spoke.  We were in the same Bible study the summer of my sophomore year of college.  We even sat right beside each other on the couch.  But for some reason, he didn’t notice me.  And I knew he was in the navy, and growing up around “navy guys,” I figured that he was just like most of the ones I knew…I know, I know, I was stereotyping!!lol…but just bear with me, I’m being honest.  🙂  But a year later, when we saw each other again, sparks flew, and we decided to get married two weeks after “officially” meeting.  We were engaged three months later, and married five months later.  Now five years later, we have two beautiful kids, a great life, and are more in love now than we were back then!  OK, I’m done with the sappy love story for those who don’t like that kind of thing. 🙂   Let’s rewind back to before I met my husband!

But I wasn’t married forever.  I still remember what it was like to be single and have no kids.  Most of the time I loved it! 🙂  But I remember feeling kind of down on Christmas Day.  Even though I was with family, I wished for that special someone to celebrate with.  I wanted a family of my “own.”  And when I worked at a kids gym, my co-worker and I would get annoyed when moms who were younger than us would come in with their kids.  “Dang, they’re younger than us, and they already have two.  Maybe one day we’ll have kids too…”  A year later, my friend was married with a baby.  A year and a half later, I also had a baby and was pregnant with my second.  Funny how life works.  🙂

But if you are single, I won’t tell you that if you just trust God hard enough, He’ll bring you your special someone.  That would be presumptuous of me.  There are people who have been waiting for 30 yrs., and it is probably frustrating when they hear “just keep waiting on the Lord” business.  While I do believe in finding identity in God, and that when we are focused on helping and serving others, it can temporarily push sad feelings aside, I do remember it being hard when I was single and desired marriage.  I remember feeling sad when I was married and wanting kids, but not in a financial position to have any.

If this is you, realize that it’s OK to feel sad.  It’s OK to have these feelings.  I had them.  I’m sure many others have too.  Just try not to allow bitterness and cynicism to sink in.  So if deep down you want kids, and your Mommy friend mentions that she’s been up all night with the baby, your bitterness might cause you to say, “well I’m glad I’m not a mom, because at least I can get my sleep.”  Or if your married friend says she needs to check with her hubby before committing to girls night out, that little inkling of jealousy might cause you to remark, “good thing I don’t have a hubby – I can come and go as I please.”  While these comments may seem like harmless jokes, are they really masking bitterness, sadness and a growing cynicism?  If so, ask God to help you to be happy for your friends, (even if you wonder when your time will ever come.)  We don’t always understand God’s ways, but even as we wait, we can still do so with a pure heart and uplifting words.

A friend of mine recently called me.  She was upset because she had finally met a guy, fallen in love, and then broken up with him because she had stopped reading her Bible once she met him b/c she had been so busy.  I told my friend that all she had to do was start reading her Bible again, but that you don’t just break up with a guy because you’ve been slacking on your Bible reading time.  It wasn’t the guys fault – it was yours – you don’t break someone’s heart over your mistake.  Turns out there was more to the situation – she was afraid to allow herself to be happy, so she was actually subconsciously looking for ways to sabotage any relationship she got in b/c she was scared of being in love.  She’d seen her parents divorce, so a deep rooted fear was causing her to mess up any relationship that she got in.

Often these sorts of issues lie deep.  Maybe it’s bitterness that is causing you sabotage a relationships.  Joyce Meyer says how her father raped her since she was 12, and it caused her to distrust men and fight with her husband, (even though he was a great guy.)  Or maybe every boyfriend cheated on you, so you say that “all men are dogs.”  Please understand that these circumstances can be very painful, but please don’t allow them to cause you to become cynical and bitter.  That will only push any possible spouse even further away.  Remember the scene from “Diary of a Mad Black Woman” when the divorced main character blows up on her boyfriend, and he tells her, “I’m not him…I’m not your ex-husband…so stop punishing me for what he did to you.”  How many times have we allowed our past to mess up our present?  When you sense these sort of issues, by all means, talk to a friend, pray about it, and get counseling if need be.  You can’t be in a good relationship unless both people are whole.  And that may mean getting counseling to resolve some deep-rooted issues that will eventually come out in a relationship.

I’ve had to get counseling too.  It’s almost like it’s a dirty little secret, but it shouldn’t be.  Everyone is getting it, but no one wants to talk about it.  Counseling is not a bad thing!  It doesn’t make you crazy.  No, you don’t have to post on your Facebook wall that you’re going to therapy, but it’s still ok to go! 🙂  I’d rather deal with my issues than have them haunt me for life and ruin any relationships.

So, realize that it’s OK to acknowledge pain or sadness that you may feel.  It’s healthy.  Just try not to sit in it to the point that it becomes bitterness.  Focus on yourself.  Do God’s work.  Stay busy volunteering, learning a new language, or taking up a new hobby.  And by all means, get involved!  I told a friend just recently that if I was still single, I’d be on eharmony, Christian mingle, and all the other dating sites out there.  Why not?  No shame in it! 🙂

But I was single before all of that was around.  So I just made sure to be socially active so that my husband would find me.  The Bible says “he who finds a wife finds a good thing.”  So ladies, get out there so he can find you.  He won’t find you in you never leave your apartment.  And guys – get out there and find her.  Don’t give up!  When you’re focused on serving others, you’re less focused on what you don’t have.

Even though I have a husband and kids, there are still things I want that I don’t have.  I find that when I stay focused on God and what I’m doing for Him, those things don’t matter as much.  I’m making a difference in the lives of others and doing the Lord’s work, and that’s what keeps me happy!

Be blessed!

***If you like what you’re reading, feel free to follow my blog, like my fan page below, and look out for my book in the Fall of 2012. 🙂


Or watch the video version of this blog here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7b-lUTFmnTQ&feature=youtu.be


12 Responses to “If You’re Still Searching for Mr./Mrs. Right”

  1. Dolly May 30, 2012 at 2:06 pm #

    I would say , i have the ditto feeling and thanks for posting on this topic.I am 20 something and still waiting on with glow of hope that i would meet my soul mate.You are right ! it feels best to be single and yet in love but on certain or moments things that doesn’t complete us eats up and so often when i am working , i get these on my nerves hitting hard seeking different paths or answers or a way to my man 🙂

    • lholmes79 May 30, 2012 at 2:10 pm #

      Yep, I remember when I was single I loved it too most of the time except for holidays and such! 🙂 Just stay busy helping others and doing God’s work – even now, when I help others with their problems, mine seemed a lot “smaller.” 🙂 It still works!

  2. Dolly May 30, 2012 at 2:07 pm #

    On a side note , you both make wonderful couple 🙂 Cheers

    • lholmes79 May 30, 2012 at 2:11 pm #

      aww thanks!! 🙂 We love each other and God – having God at the center of our relationship also helps to keep both of us “in check!”haha 🙂

  3. Jenna May 30, 2012 at 2:20 pm #

    What a great post! I am visiting from GMG Wednesday link up!


    • lholmes79 May 30, 2012 at 2:25 pm #

      Oh Thanks! Gonna check you out in a second! Love these link ups – can’t wait to read your blog too. 🙂

  4. tiffany May 30, 2012 at 2:40 pm #

    Great post! I like it. The only thing I will say is that I often find myself relieved that I am unmarried and childless. I might casually say that I am glad that I do not have kids when I hear a friend up all night with a kid because I am really glad that I got to sleep the night before. It might not all be bitterness or cynicism. It could just be a harmless statement of fact. There is also the issue that some people have accepted and come to terms with being single. I have not yet accepted my fate but I know I will be there soon, and that will be okay. There is nothing wrong with the single or married life.

    • lholmes79 May 30, 2012 at 2:43 pm #

      Aww thanks hun! I love having you for a friend – you keep my eyes open to the perspectives of singles and those who don’t have kids! I am grateful for that! 🙂

  5. cutiepiepink May 30, 2012 at 2:44 pm #

    Amen Lauren! I can be frustrated as all get out and then go to church and work with the kids and then I’m like, “Why was I frustrated?” But I do get frustrated. Believe me, I’ve been out there and no one has found me. Go figure!

    • lholmes79 May 30, 2012 at 2:56 pm #

      Keep working with those kiddies! I understand though! 🙂 Sometimes I will get frustrated when it seems like my other friends have more than me for whatever reason, but the minute I start helping someone else or ministering, it goes away! But if you want something, keep asking and believing, (and in the meantime, staying busy!lol) 🙂

  6. Alecia May 30, 2012 at 10:04 pm #

    You have some sound advice for singles. I’m married but my husband has a ton of single friends, we try to give them the same advice, but I know it has to be tough.

    • lholmes79 May 30, 2012 at 10:29 pm #

      For sure! What I try to do is talk from the perspective of when I was still single, and try to remember what it was like, versus coming across as the “all knowing married person!”haha 🙂 I have lots of single friends too – it’s a fun topic!

I would love to hear what's on your heart! Please play nice, as comments which are negative or abuse in nature will be removed. This is a place to uplift and encourage, so join in if you'd like! :). Blessings!

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